ive been in this room for over 50 hours in the past 7 days. its not big. its small. being a secretary is pretty easy, and so far ive had alot of time to do pretty much nothing.
part of this nothing, has been to find a bunch of new music which i wont be able to add to my collection until i get a computer of my own that i can store it all into.
here is a sample of the music i have been deciding i like,
id say my fav, is breathe in from frou frou, that or the best of you from number one gun, or one ive had for a long time but thought id put in there anyways is breathe from telepopmusik.
But i like all these songs pretty alot much.
http://www.playlist.com/playlist/18155865867
clicking on that link should take u to the playlist megan, oh and yeah i changed my mind. u do have to listen to all of it.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
a Happy memory of long ago can equal a sad moment today
its amazing to me how sad i can get from seeing, and living thru something happy.
like, growing up. its a happy thing, ive moved out, im on the lookout for a job to fund my college im planning on taking, my body is at the point that things that used to be laborios are now easy, i can reach the top shelf for my mom, and even get a cup out of the cupboard without using a chair. mowing the yard becomes a simple task not a huge victory. But these memorys that are so good to have pull a fast one on me and next thing i know they are what causes my mind to fall into a sad/happy state.
I just finished watching a video of a friends sister she works in a nursery and in the video you can see all the kids dancing. Its rather funny, and entertaining, making me think of back in the day when i was so little, and i would dance like that. But whats sad is seeing a kid that looks like me dance like i used to, and then remembering those...effortless days compared to today where dancing is such a chore and inexplicably convoluted. ..and language is more complex also. But thats also one of the happy things, life is more and more..entertaining by being difficult. like a video game gets harder the farther you go, if it didnt who would play that?
Then thinking of kids, gets me thinking of future me, will i have kids, and that of course brings about sad thoughts of like, am i good enough to have any kids, would my kids end up being sum messed up mixed up zelda eccentric nutcase? (causing those, depressing thoughts ive learned to suppress, of looking at me like im just another oddball etc.) And of course, after kids, when im old, just thinking of old fills me with a like..sad/blissful feeling about that when i reach the end of this race, i get to look forward to my true home filling me with the certainty that everything is alright..which is slowly drained by the thought that when i die , well, im dead and that of course scares me a bit (along with a fear of not knowing what is next, once i die will i ever eat another reeses?) and that saying goodbye to life, and goodbye to my music, my friends, my cat, which is sad on its own ..he's dying soon.. and dying isnt all that scares me of being old. its my lifestyle as being an old senile aged guy with a possibility of being impaired. and if im married will she be alive, will she want to be alive with an aged annoyance.
I know, that verse,
Matt. 34 "So don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "
but its not that im really worried. what happens happens,, it may have just sounded like i was worried..maybe a bit, but this verse really is encouraging. so no worries, but ,, i still have that sadness that tragedy lying in wait feeling, like when i watched lion king the second time, i like mufassa, but hes gonna die. i just know it. that was years ago, and today a tragic movie like in i am legend, and his dog gets bit. yeah, im like..not the dog. i dont even like dogs, but dont kill the dog. But no worries, ive got enought to worry about today. like, my lunch is all the way in the car, and ive waited 3 hungry hours cus im too lazy to go get it..but im hungry ..modern warfare for me,..
When i was growing up, i was told that when i go to heaven, there wont be husbands and wives, there wont be anything that honestly sounds fun to me. like, there wont be playing , itll be an eternity of worship. as a kid, i actually pondered if there was an alternative , cus to me back then..wow that long of worship is horrible. actually even now, i dont care if that makes someone mad. honestly, standing in a room worshiping God is great sounds fun but, theres gotta be more. Thats when, i decided that worship cant be just singing, and theres alot of teachers who told me the same thing reinforcing my theory.
Worship, can be me listening to techno watching the sunset. which yes, i did that last week, was the best ending to a run at Fort Ebey ever. Worship can be like, writing a poem, or even Loving on someone. so thats even more encouraging, to know that, heaven isnt a letdown, its something to look forward to, making being old not so scary.
Theres still Tons of other things that are actively chasing my train of thought with notions of sad emotions, and i still feel sad about growing up and thinking about life.
But thats ok. and imminent what with me being me.
like, growing up. its a happy thing, ive moved out, im on the lookout for a job to fund my college im planning on taking, my body is at the point that things that used to be laborios are now easy, i can reach the top shelf for my mom, and even get a cup out of the cupboard without using a chair. mowing the yard becomes a simple task not a huge victory. But these memorys that are so good to have pull a fast one on me and next thing i know they are what causes my mind to fall into a sad/happy state.
I just finished watching a video of a friends sister she works in a nursery and in the video you can see all the kids dancing. Its rather funny, and entertaining, making me think of back in the day when i was so little, and i would dance like that. But whats sad is seeing a kid that looks like me dance like i used to, and then remembering those...effortless days compared to today where dancing is such a chore and inexplicably convoluted. ..and language is more complex also. But thats also one of the happy things, life is more and more..entertaining by being difficult. like a video game gets harder the farther you go, if it didnt who would play that?
Then thinking of kids, gets me thinking of future me, will i have kids, and that of course brings about sad thoughts of like, am i good enough to have any kids, would my kids end up being sum messed up mixed up zelda eccentric nutcase? (causing those, depressing thoughts ive learned to suppress, of looking at me like im just another oddball etc.) And of course, after kids, when im old, just thinking of old fills me with a like..sad/blissful feeling about that when i reach the end of this race, i get to look forward to my true home filling me with the certainty that everything is alright..which is slowly drained by the thought that when i die , well, im dead and that of course scares me a bit (along with a fear of not knowing what is next, once i die will i ever eat another reeses?) and that saying goodbye to life, and goodbye to my music, my friends, my cat, which is sad on its own ..he's dying soon.. and dying isnt all that scares me of being old. its my lifestyle as being an old senile aged guy with a possibility of being impaired. and if im married will she be alive, will she want to be alive with an aged annoyance.
I know, that verse,
Matt. 34 "So don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "
but its not that im really worried. what happens happens,, it may have just sounded like i was worried..maybe a bit, but this verse really is encouraging. so no worries, but ,, i still have that sadness that tragedy lying in wait feeling, like when i watched lion king the second time, i like mufassa, but hes gonna die. i just know it. that was years ago, and today a tragic movie like in i am legend, and his dog gets bit. yeah, im like..not the dog. i dont even like dogs, but dont kill the dog. But no worries, ive got enought to worry about today. like, my lunch is all the way in the car, and ive waited 3 hungry hours cus im too lazy to go get it..but im hungry ..modern warfare for me,..
When i was growing up, i was told that when i go to heaven, there wont be husbands and wives, there wont be anything that honestly sounds fun to me. like, there wont be playing , itll be an eternity of worship. as a kid, i actually pondered if there was an alternative , cus to me back then..wow that long of worship is horrible. actually even now, i dont care if that makes someone mad. honestly, standing in a room worshiping God is great sounds fun but, theres gotta be more. Thats when, i decided that worship cant be just singing, and theres alot of teachers who told me the same thing reinforcing my theory.
Worship, can be me listening to techno watching the sunset. which yes, i did that last week, was the best ending to a run at Fort Ebey ever. Worship can be like, writing a poem, or even Loving on someone. so thats even more encouraging, to know that, heaven isnt a letdown, its something to look forward to, making being old not so scary.
Theres still Tons of other things that are actively chasing my train of thought with notions of sad emotions, and i still feel sad about growing up and thinking about life.
But thats ok. and imminent what with me being me.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
living in Oak harbor
Officially, I live in oak harbor. its pretty different; i lived with my parents for 20 years, and ever since i was 15 i dreamed of getting out. but a few things got in my way, one of them being me, and now that i finally have flown out on my own, I keep running into things that slow me down.
Recently, i nearly broke my ankle, and my car is broken..so sad, she and i have been thru alot. and im not giving up on her yet. we can still drive, its just extra expensive what with the cost of gas, and oil. I dont have a job, Altho this week i am working for a mister Travis Marth, as a secretary. and i actually like it,. probbly cus its easy. but its cool talking on the phone to people i know i will never see. its easier.
And, awkward moment, ..working for the marths im located in theyr house upstairs in an office, well, i got thirsty just now, so i walked downstairs, and theres a bunch of kids and some parents, i had no idea were here and for about 6 insanely awkward seconds they all just stared at me, as did Mrs. marth, then i said..can i have sum waTer, and my voice cracked. so ..yeah, that got a couple smiles and Mrs. marth said this is jack, sure its over there. i promptly poured myself a glass and moved upstairs as quick as my ankle would allow.
Living in Oak harbor, is a little larger than stanwood, and i really wish i had a bike right now. so i think im gonna ge
t one. not buy, just take one from my parents. moving to oak harbor is kinda hard tho, cus im naturally shy and not that outgoing. and lately ive been very ...untalkative, making it just that much harder. so getting to know people, is a seemingly astronomical impossibility that i guess just continued prayer for a rocketship from God to help me surmount the insurmountable galaxy that twinkles with my inabilitys to communicate.
Anyways, ive been looking up a bunch of bands that ive never heard of before pandora radio, and im finding a bunch of stuff that i like. pretty exciting. but, i cant borrow any of it offline cus i dont have a computer at my disposal anymore. just the usage of internet while im working at the marths. and on occasion when i go to the Intern house.
Which, being an intern , so far, is ...ok. just being honest.
I really desire, to start running once i can again, and maybe learn how to swim a little better. and definetly learn and further my education, before i go to college again.
But i guess, Step one would be getting a job, in order to afford all that i want to do. including, eating more healthy. Dont get me wrong, the halls eat pretty healthy. but, i try really hard not to eat alot of theyr food cus, well i feel bad.
If i post another blog later this week, i might include my playlist of all the new music im listening to now.
Right now, im trying to figure out my own personal view of theology on music. and exactly what counts as "christian" and what is "secular" . altho, im thinking that both types are too...specific. like Relient K is considered christian, but alot of theyr songs are about girls, and i was told that the only music a REAL christian listens to is worship. Haha, which is 100% against what i actually think. So then, going against my upbringing, im currently listening to a Ton of "secular" music, thats just about Life-a bunch of electronic music. OF course, nothing explicit. Cus, honestly, im just not entertained by someone telling me how they like it/want it. and then music which involves cussing, doesnt sound too good either. And music that brings someone down, or isnt...uplifting i guess, just doesnt bode too well with my interest.
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