a Happy memory of long ago can equal a sad moment today

its amazing to me how sad i can get from seeing, and living thru something happy.

like, growing up. its a happy thing, ive moved out, im on the lookout for a job to fund my college im planning on taking, my body is at the point that things that used to be laborios are now easy, i can reach the top shelf for my mom, and even get a cup out of the cupboard without using a chair. mowing the yard becomes a simple task not a huge victory. But these memorys that are so good to have pull a fast one on me and next thing i know they are what causes my mind to fall into a sad/happy state.

I just finished watching a video of a friends sister she works in a nursery and in the video you can see all the kids dancing. Its rather funny, and entertaining, making me think of back in the day when i was so little, and i would dance like that. But whats sad is seeing a kid that looks like me dance like i used to, and then remembering those...effortless days compared to today where dancing is such a chore and inexplicably convoluted. ..and language is more complex also. But thats also one of the happy things, life is more and more..entertaining by being difficult. like a video game gets harder the farther you go, if it didnt who would play that?

Then thinking of kids, gets me thinking of future me, will i have kids, and that of course brings about sad thoughts of like, am i good enough to have any kids, would my kids end up being sum messed up mixed up zelda eccentric nutcase? (causing those, depressing thoughts ive learned to suppress, of looking at me like im just another oddball etc.) And of course, after kids, when im old, just thinking of old fills me with a like..sad/blissful feeling about that when i reach the end of this race, i get to look forward to my true home filling me with the certainty that everything is alright..which is slowly drained by the thought that when i die , well, im dead and that of course scares me a bit (along with a fear of not knowing what is next, once i die will i ever eat another reeses?) and that saying goodbye to life, and goodbye to my music, my friends, my cat, which is sad on its own ..he's dying soon.. and dying isnt all that scares me of being old. its my lifestyle as being an old senile aged guy with a possibility of being impaired. and if im married will she be alive, will she want to be alive with an aged annoyance.
I know, that verse,
Matt. 34 "So don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "
but its not that im really worried. what happens happens,, it may have just sounded like i was worried..maybe a bit, but this verse really is encouraging. so no worries, but ,, i still have that sadness that tragedy lying in wait feeling, like when i watched lion king the second time, i like mufassa, but hes gonna die. i just know it. that was years ago, and today a tragic movie like in i am legend, and his dog gets bit. yeah, im like..not the dog. i dont even like dogs, but dont kill the dog. But no worries, ive got enought to worry about today. like, my lunch is all the way in the car, and ive waited 3 hungry hours cus im too lazy to go get it..but im hungry ..modern warfare for me,..

When i was growing up, i was told that when i go to heaven, there wont be husbands and wives, there wont be anything that honestly sounds fun to me. like, there wont be playing , itll be an eternity of worship. as a kid, i actually pondered if there was an alternative , cus to me back then..wow that long of worship is horrible. actually even now, i dont care if that makes someone mad. honestly, standing in a room worshiping God is great sounds fun but, theres gotta be more. Thats when, i decided that worship cant be just singing, and theres alot of teachers who told me the same thing reinforcing my theory.
Worship, can be me listening to techno watching the sunset. which yes, i did that last week, was the best ending to a run at Fort Ebey ever. Worship can be like, writing a poem, or even Loving on someone. so thats even more encouraging, to know that, heaven isnt a letdown, its something to look forward to, making being old not so scary.

Theres still Tons of other things that are actively chasing my train of thought with notions of sad emotions, and i still feel sad about growing up and thinking about life.

But thats ok. and imminent what with me being me.